Sunday, November 13, 2016

Reconsidering Death

I know that I'm not the only one who has lost someone dearly loved suddenly and unexpectedly. In my mind I understand the concept that such deaths can be both terrible and the effects long lasting. As our parents remembered the attack on Pear Harbor and Kennedy's assignation, 9/11 was so terrible for the very public nature of the deaths and that doesn't even touch all the deaths in wars where someone didn't come home. And children who die or are never born. I can't even imagine the grief involved in putting a child to rest or deciding to not accept a child.

I imagine that I'm not even unique among the bloggers who have chosen to write about death and loss. But it is the very sameness of a shared experience that causes me to speak out, and ask if we have become a nation de-sensatized by all the carnage that surrounds us.

When Deb died I was stunned. Numb. I didn't expect it and there are times that both the dog and I hear a noise and think it may be her home at last. But of course she always called on her way to tell me she was soon to be home and that she loved me. Strider still lays at the top of the stairs where she can see the driveway and patiently waits for her mom to come home. How confusing it must be when I arrive in "her" car. She takes her position in bed that always left room for Deb. Hardly uncommon reactions of course.

Sometimes I stare at the ceiling, which allows me to regroup and hold back the tears. My home is a large box full of memories of her. Sometimes I see order in the chaos. A list of bills paid each month with account numbers and codes and due dates. Being me, I did a spreadsheet.

In one closet there is a group of shoes that she wore and in another a double ring of scarves and one of belts. More than most people would have I think.

Two months ago she died. I wasn't there when it happened and for a long while I wondered if I could have done more to make her life better the last year. If I had known. I should have held her more and kissed her a lot. I could have hugged her more often. I should have known, right? But while the easiest thing to do is self blame, it doesn't get me anywhere at all. I don't feel a bit better. I did watch all the cooking shows she turned on and Dancing with the Stars. That counts for something, doesn't it?

Two days ago I cooked a meal for the first time in two months. Scrambled eggs, potatoes, sausage and toast. It was really good. And I've gotten really good at laundry.

But songs go through my head, mostly Sinatra songs. And I never understood melancholy. Until now. Slowly the stuff she left behind is distributed to people who loved her and to groups and shops that specialize in the redistribution of such stuff. And I wonder if I will feel better when her stuff is gone or it I will suddenly miss her more.

I must have received over 150 sympathy cards. Some that made my heart ache and all of them lovely and welcome. Church has been so warm and I have been well looked after. One lovely lady at church tells me while she only knew Deb, she asks if she can hug me. I say sure and enjoy the moment.

Go ask anyone who has grieved what the most important part of the process is and I'll bet it's time and some space. I am loved so much by so many great people, but there are good things about having alone time to process your thoughts. Today was a good day. I spent a chunk of time with Deb's parents. They are wonderful, loving and kind people. My family for twenty six years, and to hear them, for as long as I choose to be so.

I know some things are better. Why? Because Deb left her robe and nightgown on a hook in the bathroom and I haven't tried either on yet.

Death is the end of a journey that has little value unless you travel with abundant love, patience, joy and forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself for your perceived or real faults, treat each day as a gift and meet it with joy. And love, unconditionally and with abandon, and forgive everything.

Hug your loved ones and be gentle with everyone. And once in a while, in a random act of kindness hug a stranger.

1 comment:

  1. Wow! Your love for Deb brought me to tears. To have known that kind of love was always a dream in my life, one which never came to pass... other than the fact that God loves us far more than any human can love us. However, you and Deb had a very special love. God be with you, my long-time online friend. Me, Ginny ... now of Anaheim. Novemeber 14, 2016....8:26 p.m.

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